Breakthrough

Moving to a country where you don't know the language, far from friends and family, which meant leaving the job and students that you love, with your husband who you're still learning how to be married to...is a big giant adventure.

And it is also really very hard.

I don't feel a need to write out all the details of the last couple weeks of February - partly because I don't want to revisit them, partly because I don't think you want to read them, and partly because I am really not proud of the level of selfishness that was the root of a lot of it. (But you know that this external processor without much filter is generally an open book, so if you do want to know about them you can ask)

Suffice it to say that it was a very doldrums-y time in my heart and mind.

BUT Jesus is faithful to work. Even when I'm just floundering in my seemingly inescapable blah-ness.

So, this is a list of things that have been life-giving and light-shining-into-the-darkness, and have helped/caused me to get off my batookus and fight the doldrums out of life here. Some of it is scripture, some of it is moments in time, some of it is people, some of it is music. All of it is the Lord's faithfulness.

*Dave is a kind husband and we both want a healthy and joyful marriage (poor guy wasn't getting much joy out of his wife lately). Enter: intentionally improved communication, weekly working dates (thanks, IntimateMarriage conference, that we went to in Memphis several months ago!), significantly reduced technology in the bedroom (get out of here, facebook!!), reading and discussing brief blurbs before sleep (thanks for the book, Casey-Mama!), and just a lot more intentional JOY in lots of little, daily, easy-to-overlook-but-SO-important ways -- spoiler alert: a lot of life (and marriage) is choosing joy, choosing grace, choosing mercy.

*The pastor from Hillsong Paris, Brandon White, came down on Feb 28 and preached at Hillsong Lyon. And it was spot on what was needed. He preached about how God is a god of breakthroughs - He is not stopped or bound by the things that feel like obstacles or bindings to us. I can do some things in my own strength but the best thing I can do is to lean in to the God who brings change; to choose (back to that verb again!), to choose with my measure of faith to trust Him. I have the Word, I know His promises, I have witnessed Him in the world and in my life - so Lord, open my eyes to see what you see; open my mouth with your words; and help me to act on your truth that I believe and know to be true. And shared time of prayer as a body of believers - so time for Dave and me to be together praying (him speaking, me weeping) for our marriage, for our life here, for now, and for the future.

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtDXHgTi-5s Went back to some music I haven't listened to in years. This is one of my favorite Jon Foreman songs - just peaceful, beautiful, TRUE words straight from scripture. If the link doesn't work, please go listen to it on youtube. Just put in Jon Foreman - "The House of God Forever"

*Hillsong Lyon, in general, has been such a rich place to have plugged in right away. There is no replacement for community with other believers.

*Related to the above, we attend an English-speaking Connect group through Hillsong (we're hoping to go to a neighborhood one as well once we have more French) - and those people are beautiful souls. Being embraced without hesitation and welcomed in allows such peace in my spirit - the coziness of the beginnings of family.

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Sv_876eqxg Tristan (from connect group) lent us a couple Hillsong cds. I've listened to one of them a lot while organizing the apartment. This song usually gets listened to several times in a row and/or is the one played first and last. If the link doesn't work, put in Hillsong "Even When it Hurts"

*I was invited to a monthly sisterhood Bible study by my friend Elin (can we just talk about how much gratitude I feel that I even have people already who are in my heart as real and dear friends?) - it was 10 of us with no totally common language (a few of us are very beginners in French and one who has very little English), but that didn't stop us from having good study of Sarai/Sarah and real sharing of God's work and promises in our lives. When sharing about how important the promise of God's presence had been for me in the preparation to move, I broke down because I realized that I was sitting in the midst of that promise. All fall and winter as the Lord protected me from fear about the move it was through the promise that He is here, in France, too, and that as we prepared from our end He was preparing too - going ahead of us to prepare the people and places to receive us. And there I was looking at one example of the reality of that promise - this community of women who had a place for me amongst them.

*I have always been able to rely on the church, community, friends, leaders around me to push me to grow in my faith or make it easy to do so. Well, the past week I have stepped up to be the real owner of my faith myself! (I've done so in the past at other times, but not recently). So my I-have-spent-time-with-God-because-I-read-the-She-Reads-Truth-for-today quiet times have morphed into reading with pen and journal in hand for thoughts and prayers, digging into my study bible notes on the passages (I get nerdily into these sometimes), and then reading out loud to myself the same passage from the French part of my bilingual Bible. It is confusing and hard sometimes but there is a comfort in struggling through words that I already have the understanding of, and being excited to learn the new words for the same Truth so that I can speak with people here.

*It's been raining a lot here. Sorry to everyone who hates it. But my heart is content with the drops on the skylight and the life-giving, soul-encouraging water.

*Dave's coworkers are so kind. We had a very fun bowling outing with a lot of them last night (company organized fun night!) and, again, being welcomed with smiles and encouragement (for learning the language) for being here is heart-warming.

*Our bed (and not having Ellie in it) has gotten way more comfortable since when we slept on it in Memphis. I'm sure it's not just the comparison after six weeks of air mattress ;) But my goodness, a good night's sleep makes a BIG difference about one's readiness for a new day!

* http://www.boundless.org/relationships/2011/handling-homesickness Liz sent me this link when I told her how I was struggling at one point. It is helpful to just know that you're not alone. And much wisdom here.

*Friends and family at home are still connected - cards, skype, whatsapp, facetime, imessage, facebook. It all brings people closer in a way that is irreplaceable.

*James (approaching 3 year old nephew, for those who don't know) prays for us (Uncle Dave, Aunt Kelly, and Ellie :) ) before naps and bedtimes sometimes, and hearing that from his own mouth is just joy-giving.

*In the midst of my doldrums I was reminded of my core of selfishness (thank you, Jesus, for redemption and sanctification!!) because my response to feeling so alone and adrift was to turn inward and self-focused. I was very ungracious in some of my thoughts towards others during that time. So on my first day of I-really-mean-it-and-will-invest quiet time, these words from the ESV study Bible about Matthew 18:35 (the end of the parable of the unforgiving servant) were just the wake-up call I needed:

A transformed heart must result in a changed life that offers the same mercy and forgiveness as has been received from God. Someone who does not grant forgiveness to others shows that his own heart has not experienced God's forgiveness. Throughout Scripture, the heart refers to the center of one's being, including one's reason, emotions, and will.

(emphasis mine)

That has really been the moral of this month of down and up for me - dwell in and be grateful for the presence of the Lord, and allow my transformed heart leaning into and learning more of his Truth to be the driving force of my life, not fear or loneliness. It is not a fight that's totally over - the doldrums still try to creep in and steal joy or peace from moments when I let my guard down...but I'm getting better at recognizing and thwarting attempts (with the help of both my swell husband and my amazing Lord).

I hope that if anyone is feeling similarly that there are nuggets in this that the Spirit will lodge in your heart as an encouragement from the Lord.

Love to all!