a "come to Jesus" meeting - No Excuses.

This has been a phenomenally hard year. I have been challenged in ways that have been very hard for my heart.

But I don't want to talk about that because I have gotten too comfortable making excuses for myself.

The work that we at the MTR (and many other wonderful organizations and individuals) are trying to do is nearly impossible - IMPOSSIBLE - without the Lord. And it is so important. I am more aware of that every day.

And I have been failing.

I don't feel that I've been failing because I have miles to go as an educator - I know that it is a learning process to be a top quality teacher.

I have been failing because I have hid behind my excuses. It doesn't matter if the situations, difficulties, complications are there or not. What matters is that I have been staring the harsh reality of my students' futures in the face every day and allowing a feeling of helplessness to overwhelm me, instead of throwing caution to the wind and trying anything and everything to give them a chance.

How can I expect my students to rise to my high expectations despite others' low ones when I have been choosing to meet low expectations held for me rather than the high expectations that are also on the table??

This ends now. It must.

I had a three part "come to Jesus" meeting with the Lord today. The details aren't important, but they brought me through the stages of shame, remembrance, and gratitude. Shame when I think of my cowardice and weakness in how I have handled many situations this year; remembering the fact that I knew that choosing this road was choosing to give my life away and that I want to make that choice every day; and gratitude that the Lord promises rest for my soul if I would only allow myself to be yoked to Him without a fight.

I was blessed to get to sing this song tonight for the first time in a year and as soon as it was announced I knew it was what my heart needed to hear - what my mouth needed to declare before the Lord - what my hands need to act on starting now.

"Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken"

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me,
Show Thy face and all is bright.

Man may trouble and distress me,
'Twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me;
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me,
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,
Come disaster, scorn and pain
In Thy service, pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father,
I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;
All must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o'er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
Think what Father's smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee,
Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

Haste thee on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.
Heaven's eternal days before thee,
God's own hand shall guide us there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission,
Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope shall change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.


Praise the Lord that He forgives me for excuses and offers the chance to move forward in His strength. Because if I am walking with the Lord, truly sharing His burden as we do the hard work of this world yoked together, then what excuse could I possibly need? How can I complain or be discontent when I think what Spirit dwells within me, think what Father's smiles are mine, and think that Jesus died to win me?

To be honest, I don't altogether like this because it means that as hard as I have been working is about to be quadrupled, that I will have to guard my speech and my thoughts to start to retrain this pattern I have been in, that I will have to humble myself and accept responsibility. And even looking at that list brings me shame because HOW have I not been doing these things??

Praise God for His gracious new beginnings, starting...NOW.

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace."
2 Corinthians 4:16