"Come away with me for awhile..."

So I am about 7 weeks into this crazy, wonderful, overwhelming, scary, hilarious, purposeful, all around awesome life in the MTR family. It has been FAR too long since I've written a post - it's been on my list of things to do pretty much since orientation week, so over a month ago...sorry, Dad! But life has been hoppin' and even in my spare moments sleep, the on-going process of getting my apartment situated, or reading has seemed much more pressing than writing. I will try to be more timely from now on (but unfortunately make no promises!).

Everything I've been doing in this crazy life -- grad classes, training, preparing for a year in a 3rd grade classroom, getting to know my new 40+ person family, epic cockroach chases -- I will address in a different post soon. What struck me this morning that I wanted to write about is a little bit of what God has been up to with me. I'm going to approach this in two parts that overlap a lot, but I'm going to talk about them separately anyway: solitude with the Lord and God's total awesomeness (in power, in love...).

SOLITUDE WITH THE LORD
From the get-go I knew that this year was going to be a lot about me and God together, 1) because this is all wayyyy too big for me and 2) because it turns out that there was an odd number of unmarried girls in MTR, so I have my own apartment instead of having a roommate. Now, as someone who has always adamantly maintained that I would never ever live alone, this has been a big adjustment, though I really do enjoy it now. But during orientation week I could already feel God working on me, whispering in my ear in my moments of loneliness or sadness or just wanting someone to say goodnight to, "Beloved, you know how we always talk about you depending on Me? And you always say that you do that? I think we both know that you don't do that. So we're going to work on that together this year." I have been wonderfully blessed in my life with a solid and faithful network of family and friends; God has been sweet to give me such wonderful people! But it has at points made it easy for me to turn to them first instead of to the Lord and some of the insecurities that I have wrestled with through the years have been fed by my ability (which then turned into my need) to look to others for my worth. Learning to be okay with being by myself, to not always need to have music on or to call or text someone so that I'm communicating with someone, is a 2-steps-forward-1-step-back kind of process for me, but we're figuring it out. I'm learning to process things with God first and then to others as the occasion warrants. I like the freedom of wandering around my apartment praying out loud, though I admit that sometimes I have to force myself and it feels funny; at others it feels like the most natural thing in the world. This sounds kind of silly, but so much of it is just a matter of having the courage to face my insecurity or doubt and to speak, embracing whatever it is that I'm feeling at the moment and actually engaging in believing what I belive.

The second big thing I am relearning about solitude with the Lord is just how totally and completely necessary it is for emotional stamina and stability. My daily devotional book "Jesus Calling" hit the nail on the head this morning, so I though I'd share the blurb here:

"Come away with Me for awhile. The world, with its nonstop demands, can be put on hold. Most people put Me on hold, rationalizing that someday they will find time to focus on Me. But the longer people push Me into the background of their lives, the harder it is for them to find Me.
You live among people who glorify busyness; they have made time a tyrant that controls their lives. Even those who know Me as Savior tend to march to the tempo of the world. They have bought into the illusion that more is always better: more meetings, more programs, more activity.
I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me your highest priority and deepest Joy. It is a pathway largely unappreciated and often despised. However, you have chosen the better thing, which will never be taken away from you. Moreover, as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you."

These words settled on my heart this morning and I could see the truth of them in my life. How much I promise God that I will give Him some of my time later which turns into passing thoughts and prayers without ever much quality time where I'm focusing on the Lord -- though I manage to find plenty of time for reading, talking to friends and family on the phone, hanging out with people, or going to Harry Potter midnight showings...all of which are great things! I'm not saying they aren't, but does the Lord not deserve some intentional time from me just like these other things do?
I was also struck by the last thought: "as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you." It wasn't what this actually said, but thinking about the implications of the opposite scenario --> as I get distracted from God, am I still a blessing to others? It would be easy for me to spout nice phrases about how God can use anything or anyone (and I know that He does) and look at "nice things" I've done for people in those times. But I can't let myself off that easily anymore. Because I know the truth of what my life becomes when it is ruled in various areas by my own selfishness, some even in the past week and a half. When I put myself back in the center, it blesses no one.
which leads me to...

GOD'S TOTAL AWESOMENESS
One of the things that we do as part of the MTR is spiritual life class with David. We start off the year talking about the Bible as one narrative, one over-arching story told in a lot of different ways that tell us who God is and who we are. Right off the bat through creation we learn so many things about the Lord: His creativity, His distinctiveness from creation, His relational nature, His sovereignty, His intimacy, His great love, His wisdom, and finally the fact that God is crazy powerful. Our vision in MTR is about what God is doing in urban education in Memphis, that He is about transforming this system, these schools, these children's lives and also back up the scale through the country and world. And it is crazy. There are some HUGE obstacles, on the macro and micro levels -- everything from teachers who protected by systems that keep them teaching long after their fire and drive for the children has gone out to the students who struggle in the classroom because of their empty stomach or fear of the abuses waiting for them when they get home. It's too much. I can't do it. It is insurmountable to me.

And what has been washing over me, sometimes gradually, sometimes in a rush, sometimes struggling to push past all of my selfish, insecure doubts, is that praise the Lord, I don't have to! He can and He is and He will continue to! I am just lucky enough to be along for the ride. And the humility that knowledge brings is life-saving, both for me and for my students, because if I tried to do this in my own pride it would only bring failure for all of us.

Today in church I had one of the moments where this glorious truth hit me in a rush, washing over me with the words of a song. I've sung it many times, so it was not the novelty that affected me, but just the truth of it. I stood there silently, letting the singing rise around, savoring all of it while I wept quietly to the Lord - tears of relief, of gratitude, of shame, of release. I cried for my students, for a couple friends who are facing major transitions, for MTR, for myself. I cried in gratitude because God is crazy powerful and He will continue to point to and bring glory to Himself with the restoration of the world. Mostly I was crying in the knowledge that He truly is big enough, strong enough, loving enough, and powerful enough to do it. He can and will draw my friends' close in to Him and do His great works in their lives. He can and will bring transformative, radical change to our schools and to our students' lives. I guess to put it simply, He can and will be Himself.

The song that I wept through is called "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong. The next song that drew my heart back to my morning's devotion and wrapped it in with the humility that I need and desire before the Lord, and that I also partially wept through is called "Lead me to the Cross" also by Hillsong. I'll put the lyrics to both choruses below, but really all of the lyrics are just solid and I hope you'll take a moment to put them into google for the lyrics or youtube for the songs. Take the minutes for a little solitude with the Lord :)

"My Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save
forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave"

"Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out
bring me to my knees, Lord i lay me down
rid me of myself, i belong to You
lead me, lead me to the cross"

Amen.